We left the hospital again without Sam, but this was the last time. We went across the street to eat at a place we had been many times before. I was so mad at everyone for wanting to go eat. How could anyone want to eat?
Stephen and I rode back to Bertram with my mom. Thankfully, I slept the whole way there. We hadn't seen the girls in three weeks, and I was so excited to see them but dreaded having to tell them they wouldn't see Sam again. When we drove up, the four of us were so excited to see each other. They didn't ask about Sam right away, so we just watched them play and enjoyed being together.
The next morning, Emory said something about Sam being at the hospital, and Stephen and I decided it was time to tell them. Emory was angry when we told her. How could it make sense to them when he looked fine the one day they had seen him in the past eleven weeks?
Over the next few days, Stephen and I made impossible decisions and planned Sam's funeral. When I was in high school, a boy in my grade passed away. His mom led the whole service and shamelessly presented the gospel. My goals for Sam's funeral were to honor him, share the gospel, worship our Lord, and have no regrets. When we met with Gordon, the pastor, to talk about Sam's service, Stephen and I said we wanted it to be a celebration, which I know is cliche. Naturally, a funeral for a baby is very sad, but we didn't want anyone to be sadder than necessary, if that makes sense. We asked Gordon to share the salvation message and read Psalm 27. That particular Psalm has been special to Stephen and me since Sam was admitted to the CHSU. Other than that, Gordon was welcome to say what he felt led to share, and he did a wonderful job honoring Sam. Gordon said that on the number line of eternity, Sam's time on Earth (four months) looks the same as Methuselah's (969 years) because the span of eternity is so immeasurably long. Our time on Earth is so short compared to eternity in Heaven. Praise God for that. I felt at peace at the end of the service, and I think we did the best we could do. We sang "Your Grace is Enough," which has been an anthem for me since I started staying home with the girls two years ago. We sang "Something About That Name," which I sang to Sam many times when he was in the hospital, and we sang "How He Loves" by David Crowder. What Stephen said during the service is {here), and what I said is {here}.
Emory and Harper talk about Sam every day. It actually helps me process everything by hearing them say Sam is in Heaven, he's not coming back, and that we'll see him again in Heaven soon. Death isn't taboo when you're four and almost three. The girls have asked some really hard questions, but each one gives us the chance to talk with them about Sam and salvation, and for that I am thankful.
The hope of Heaven promises forever without empty arms. Only joy, only peace, only worshipping our Lord and Savior Jesus. Forever with Jesus. Forever as a whole family.
I know there will be no crying in Heaven, but I can't imagine my reunion with Sam without a flood of tears. Sam, your story didn't end on February 11. Your legacy continues, and your life glorifies God. I am honored every day to be your mama. I will hold you in my heart until I can hold you in heaven, my sweet boy.
The words both you and Stephen spoke were just beautiful.
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