Wednesday, September 17, 2014

I will be celebrating on Monday!

I've never fancied myself as a fearful person.  I was often called a "bull in a China shop" in my younger years.  About a year ago, I started feeling afraid about something happening to one of the girls--at the time I thought it was because Emory was getting old enough to really get hurt, or lost, or whatever.  Soon before the anatomy scan ultrasound with Sam, I started feeling crippling fear that something was going to happen to one of our kids, but I didn't know why.  My mommy heart was just kind of freaked.  The same sonographer has done the anatomy scan for each of my pregnancies, and every time she has told us she will do her part, and then go get the doctor to come in to look, so we shouldn't be worried when she leaves and comes back with the doctor.  Well, once she walked out to get the doctor, I remember thinking, "Something is wrong with the baby's heart."  At the time I didn't know why I had that feeling.

Since we found out about Sam's diagnoses four months ago, I have really been struggling with fear.  I'm afraid of how he will handle being outside the safety of the little bubble he's in now.  I'm afraid that I'll be an emotional wreck during his delivery and immediately following.  I'm afraid of how he'll recover after his surgeries.  I'm just afraid, and feeling this way has made me really angry with myself for not trusting the Lord more than I have.  I know He is faithful and knows the outcome of all of these situations.  I have seen His promises through scripture, testimonies, the songs we sing at church, everywhere since May, but I still haven't felt completely at peace.

I started MOPS at a different church this morning, knowing I'd only be able to go today before I'll be out for quite a while with Sam.  I am beyond thankful that I went today.  When I learned in April or May about this year's theme, "Be you, bravely," I thought it was kind of goofy and irrelevant to me.  The speaker this morning has two children with disabilities, and the entire focus of her talk was about being courageous and overcoming fear.  While she was talking, I realized my fears are coming from Satan.  He started these feelings over a year ago, when I didn't have an actualized reason yet to be fearful for my children.  The speaker told this sweet and hilarious story about the delivery of their son.  They found out around 30 weeks pregnant that he would be born with disabilities, and she started getting a lot of pity from doctors about their situation, but she wanted to make sure everyone celebrated his birth because he was beautiful and he was theirs.  Oh, how I needed to hear exactly this just four days before our sweet boy is here.  Thank you, Lord, for this truth this morning.  And get behind me, Satan, because on Monday I will be celebrating the birthday of our precious baby boy!    

1 comment: