Wednesday, March 11, 2015

One Month

It's been one month that Sam has been gone. It's been one month since I held him, prayed over him, whispered in his ear that I love him.  In some ways it feels like it's been years, and in some ways it feels like no time has passed at all. In the past week, I think it has become more real to Stephen, Emory, and me that Sam died.  He isn't coming back.  On this side of heaven, I won't ever feel his fingers around mine, see his eyes twinkle, or smell his sweet head while he nuzzles into my neck.

Everything reminds me of Sam right now, and I wish that would never end.

I felt like for some reason I said his name a lot when I was talking to him.  "Time to change your diaper, Sam."  "Are you hungry, Sam?"  With the girls, I don't remember speaking their names as much.  I joked with Stephen the other day that we should have named Sam something less popular, because I hear people calling the name Sam all the time.  One of the days we were at Disney, I remember thinking to myself, "I'm having a pretty good day," and the thought hadn't even left my head and a mom called her son's name, Sam.

The four of us talk about Sam a lot.  Emory asks a lot of questions and says Sam is with Jesus and God in heaven or that she's missing him.  Harper doesn't get it as much.  She's only two...and she's Harper.

The girls and I met some friends at Jumpin' Jacks this morning.  When I got in the car, "Stronger" by Mandisa was playing.

He knows this is going to make you stronger
The pain isn't going to last forever
And things can only get better

On the way home, I turned up Matt Maher's "Because He Lives" as loud as I could stand it.

I'm alive, I'm alive
Because He lives
Amen, Amen
Let my song join the one that never ends

The Lord is alive.  Sam is alive, and I'm alive all because He lives.  He never ends, Sam will never end, and I'll never end.  My treasure is stored up in heaven, and one day I'll be with Sam again.

Isaiah 49:16 says, "I have engraved you on the palms of my hands."  From before time began, the Lord has had Sam engraved on the palms of His hands.  Sam, you are forever engraved on my heart.  I am so honored to be your mama.  I love you forever, my sweet boy.

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